misfortunes.. and missing you.

ccfan — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:55:55 +0000

It’s been almost three days and I’m worried sick. Things feel so up and down nowadays and it’s hard to have faith… it’s hard to be patient. But I will, for you I will.

“I do not know what it is about you that opens and closes.”

I don’t know by what orchestration I was put into your life. Kept here. I don’t know why I’m being kept apart from you but all I can do is be patient… and wait for you. Or wait for you to release me from this spell. I wait because I only want to make things easier, not harder. And I’m wondering where you are and if you’re okay, I’m wondering why I can’t know these things automatically… and why my intuition goes when you go. I talked to Exo today, she opened her IMs so I could tell her you had something good to say about her. And the first question out of her was what was going on with you and Sean. I told her I’m pretty sure it’s still a gray area, and that you were working it out with him or trying to… trying to be as vague as possible about you and me. It didn’t work though. She said seeing you with me threw her off a little about what she understood to be going on with you and Sean. I never really took seriously the times you’d tell me that people “saw” us. I thought nobody really paid attention, but the brief conversation with Exo proved me wrong. Little things like this… they make me awkwardly happy. They put my mind at ease. But I want you to be happy too… and good. And I only fight when it’s worth fighting for…

I’m not obsessed and I don’t think I ask too many questions. If I seem like I want so much of you, it’s just because I don’t know how long I’ll have you.

I’m ending this now… just had to get some things off of my mind. I got a flu shot today… I’m sure I’ll be sick soon, because of my piss poor immune system. You’re still my match.

bleeding out and tequila sunrises.

ccfan — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:28:51 +0000

It seems just a little awkward that nothing about today went right. In fact, today was completely off-center. It started off with me waking up way earlier than I was supposed to, to go on this deep sea fishing adventure. I remember waking up this morning, worrying about being late. 6:45am I was supposed to link up with the rest of the crew for 7 hours of funtastic fishing. I got into my truck, I guesstimated how long it would take me to round up some numnums, water and dramamine – everything a Wannabe-Pirate needs for deep sea fishing. Needless to say, the crew was late, the dramamine only worked for the first two hours, my first fish was a grunt and everytime I had to piss I thought my head was gonna spin off from the rocking of the boat – or maybe it’s just that I felt it so much more below deck. And all I could think about between sleeping was catching a damn fish and gutting it for you the way cats bring home dead animals as gifts for their masters. A show of skill… a show of how much I know you hate fish! You heard about my bad dinner experience. ETC. But you see, when I come home to you, there’s so much I’ve got to vent out that I forget it’s you… and then I feel like I’m talking too much. But I do it to put you into my day… because the closer you feel to me, the less the distance will matter. I know it matters all the time, no matter what. But here I sit with you, while you vent to me about Sean, your vents being a pasted conversation into our IMs… and I can’t say I’m either negative or positive about it because I know you are doing it to show trust for me and to show me you can be trusted. I tell you about my day to make it real, to make it as if you were there. I’ve seen places… maybe more places than you and it’s made me an adventurer. It’s turned me into a fickle person sometimes, because ironically, change is the biggest constant thing in my life. So when something unexpected happens and there’s a question as to why I’m not grossly affected by it… this is why. I don’t expect anything more than expecting anything at all. I will admit though that I plan things out in my head by the hour. Just tonight, I figured I would spend an hour looking for my drunk brother, and it would probably take another 15 min to get home and that would leave me 6 or so hours of sleep before I have to wake up tomorrow for this job. Here I go, talking about my life in real time. It’s important though, these moments are timestamps as to what happened between us today… and that could be arguably considered a “fight.”

After being so succeptible to living with females as my primary room-mates or co-habitators (Mom, my sister, girls that are friends but might as well be dudes they’re so unmannered) I’ve learned that the people I share a roof with are the target audience of shows like Sex and the City. Girl-power shows. And oddly enough, they are not only watchable but good insights into the female mind. Don’t get me wrong though, they ring true about us guys, too. In fact, all of the things we DON’T do and are prone NOT to do for females is right on the money. And very few episodes, I can remember the significance in stepping stones of a relationship. The gradual pyramid, the theory that something amazing can’t just be built up sloppily. Horse, saddle, rider. But it’s TV and there has to be some dramatic means to an end, always. That other theory that Happy-Ever-After doesn’t exist in two people that are star-crossed. We all want to see it end that way, even when the ending is clear. Any form of linear entertainment, even if we know the outcome, it’s addicting because the story leading up to the outcome is the most important part. I can say there have been relationships where I’ve found it’s easier to tell myself nothing gold can stay. But, like Serendipity states: “It’s not an exact science… it’s a feeling.”

So this one particular SATC episode, the storyline is that her boyfriend (after a long breakup, and realizing that they want to have another stab at it) moves in and things between them just aren’t meshing well in the material side of nesting together. This is his, that is hers, and nothing could ever be “theirs” through the length of this episode. The concept that I’ve just recently been able to grasp, seeing as I’m ALSO the type that likes my things a particular way, is that being together means really BEING together, as one unit. You shop, you brush your teeth, you get dressed, you eat, you sleep. All of the activities you’ve done by yourself, you must train your mind and your heart and your conscience to slowly accept that other person being right next to you, and knowing that other person just isn’t a reflection in the mirror. At the end of the episode, there’s a blowout argument, where main chick has had enough of feeling smothered by her boyfriend…

“I gave you a key to my apartment, what more do you WANT?!”

-”Oh? You gave me a key to your apartment, great…! Now I can get in your front door! How do I get in there? Huh?” And he points to her heart. And cue the dramatic silence.

And just from the ABSENCE of words, the audience can expect that this probably isn’t meant to be. But we watch and we wait, because everything in the middle counts. This is my account of how to get sucked into chick flicks.

So here I am, thinking of how every love story relates to ours and knowing deep down that none of them really will. I think we come close to beating them and being top dog, because we might be from different sides of the tracks and might have seen completely different things in our life spans, but there are also so many places we are crossed… where the things that make us smile and laugh are one in the same, where “romantic” doesn’t necessarily mean “not vulgar” and it’s times like this we see eye to eye about spending US time, not just ME time.

So for every time you say out loud, “Come back to me…”

…truth is, I never really left.

The OG D.B.

misfortunes.. and missing you.

bleeding out and tequila sunrises.